Today's Lunatic Cabbie
New York cabbie stories are a dime a dozen, but this morning, got a standout even in that set. Guy had an accidental Lagerfeld going on, complete with pseudo-mullet, wide-framed dark sunglasses, and fingerless gloves. Started cursing out his last fare as soon as I got in (apparently she made him go through Times Square). Every possible gutter profanity, sexual and otherwise, was applied against this woman, till he finally ran out of words and pronounced her “just … just sick!” The monologue turned to health care reform, punctuated by coughing fits so tubercular they verged on death rattles. (Still not sure if he was pro or con.) He actually had a blue hankie he coughed into like an Enlightenment consumptive. During one of his manic gestures I saw his gloves actually still had full thumb coverage, since I couldn’t see this thumbtips. Then I realized, no, he actually had no thumbs. After a particularly energetic hacking and spitting episode he suddenly cranked the radio, and at the next stoplight, began both reading the paper and wolfing down a sandwich. Conversation over, I guess? He asked again where I was going, then two minutes later stopped two blocks from there and turned off the meter, thanking me profusely, telling me he liked me and that I was a “good guy.” As I got out some bills (I always pay cash to crazy people, rather than credit or debit), he froze, speechless. I held out the money; he didn’t move, and we sat there a good ten seconds, frozen. Finally he muttered mournfully, “Everyone is bullshit.” He reanimated, took the cash, thanked me once more with real feeling, and started coughing again. I got out and went for coffee.
