1. I found a hilarious link! It’s been on Tumblr five times already, on Digg before that, and 4chan before that.

2. I found a hilarious tumblr! It’s been reblogged five hundred times, and it’s fake.

3. I found a hilarious picture! It’s not really funny; see also both 1 and 2 above.

4. I took an amazing picture! Twelve other people already photographed and tumbled same thing, and they used high-end digital SLRs with lenses so expensive that they optimize, retouch, copyright, and submit the best 20 frames to RSS before you even get the camera function loaded on your shitty pre-3Gs iPhone.

5. A wonderful thing happened to me! Nobody cares about your stupid wonderful life, unless you got laid, in which case you better be hot and under 25 and a girl.

6. A horrible thing happened to me! Nobody cares about your stupid horrible life, unless you got laid and can convincingly pretend to be hot and under 25 and/or a girl.

7. I have an insight about a current event! Whatever you think you know, Soup will post more links about it and somehow end up owning the topic, tumblarity-wise.

8. I have an insight about a media issue! Whatever you think you know, Brian Van will 10x you in sheer volume of verbiage.

9. I have a certain amount of received wisdom due to my age and experience relative to the general Tumblr population! Peter Feld is older than you.

10. I have a puerile idea for a quick meta-listicle that negates its own dubious reason for existence and ends with an escape clause in case I offended or annoyed someone! That’s no excuse.